In an astonishing announcement from the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI announced that Catholic scholars have discovered the true location of the Biblical Garden of Eden. It turns out that the fabled paradise garden once sat squarely in the middle of what is now the Athabaska Oil Sands.
The discovery has come as a major blow to religious scholars everywhere. For years it was believed that the actual site of the garden was either underneath a mall parking lot in Cairo, Egypt or a Taco Bell in Tel Aviv, Israel.
The discovery has come as a major blow to religious scholars everywhere. For years it was believed that the actual site of the garden was either underneath a mall parking lot in Cairo, Egypt or a Taco Bell in Tel Aviv, Israel.
Now that the discovery has been verified by the Pope himself and made completely official, Vatican officials have begun talks with some of the major oil companies who have operations in the tar sands.
“We are deeply saddened to discover that one of the holiest sites in all of Christianity has been sullied by such an environmentally devastating operation,” said Cardinal Pierre D’Agneau, chief Vatican researcher. “That being said, we here at the Vatican feel that— as God’s true representatives here on earth— we should be entitled to some kind of royalty payments from the oil sands development. We may not be able to get back to paradise, but the Vatican summer beach party is coming up and it would be nice to buy a few jet skis for the other Cardinals.”
A Vatican spokesperson says that the Cardinal is still waiting to hear back from the oil companies on this issue.
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